Do you have a hard time saying no? Feel like you’re always negotiating with your kids? “Hold the boundary” is a buzz phrase online but what if you’re trying that and it’s not working? This article details a crucial missing link in holding boundaries with kids, and how to grow this skill as a parent.
- Why Everything Feels Hard and What May Help
- The Internet Fix That Is Not Fixing Anything
- What Boundaries With Kids Actually Are
- Why Boundaries Matter for Kids
- Why Boundaries Without Leadership Fall Apart
- Boundaries vs Choices (And Why Both Matter)
- Why Holding Boundaries Feels So Hard
- How to Practice Holding Boundaries Without Starting a War
- Bringing Boundaries Into the Hard Parts of Your Day
Why Everything Feels Hard and What May Help
Let me tell you the most common thing I hear from parents.
Everything feels hard.
Bedtime is hard. Mornings are hard. Screen time is hard. Transitions are hard. Even the little things do not feel little anymore. Leaving the park. Running errands. Managing bath time.
What makes this so frustrating is that these parents are trying so hard. They are being responsive, flexible, and understanding. They are not being controlling. They are not being harsh. They are leading with love, kindness, and respect.
And still, everything feels hard.
Every routine takes longer than it should. Everything turns into a negotiation, or a standoff, or a runaround. They ask questions. They give autonomy. They offer choices. And none of it seems to work.
The Internet Fix That Is Not Fixing Anything
Online, there is a buzzword fix for this – tossed around with not much else to support it. Just a one-word fix for anything that feels hard in parenting.
Boundaries.
Struggling with screens? Just hold the boundary. Trying to leave the park and the kids won’t go? You need better boundaries. Set the boundaries. Hold the boundaries. Enforce the boundaries.
The thing is, you do need boundaries with kids. I can’t avoid that word, but I can try to make it more than just an Internet cliche. Because boundaries alone are not enough.
You need boundaries and leadership.
Boundaries are the tool. Leadership is the skill. Boundaries without leadership fall flat.
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What Boundaries With Kids Actually Are
Let’s define boundaries clearly.
Boundaries are limits you set and follow through on with confidence. They are not threats or punishments. They are not techniques. They are not scripted phrases you repeat during a meltdown while hoping behavior improves.
Pause for a second with me and think of a football field.
Boundaries exist around the edges of the field. The referees keep play in bounds and stop the game when it goes out. Within those boundaries, play happens.
What does not happen is the refs asking players if they are ready to stop playing, when they would like to give up the ball, or offering a choice about whether rules apply.
Because boundaries are the clear, decided choices.
In parenting, boundaries are made based on a parent’s wisdom and ability to see the bigger picture for their family.
They require parents to lead, not negotiate in the moment.
They require clarity instead of constant questioning.
They require follow-through that is calm, steady, and predictable.
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Why Boundaries Matter for Kids
When someone says, “You just need better boundaries,” it often feels like parenting lip service. So let’s talk about why they matter.
From a developmental standpoint, kids are still growing their prefrontal cortex. They need help with impulse control, emotional regulation, and long-term thinking. They cannot fully understand why limits on ice cream exist, how brushing teeth affects health, or why screen time impacts their bodies and brains.
That is not a flaw. That is development.
Kids do not push boundaries because they are being difficult. They push because they are wired to.
In today’s parenting culture, one that rightly values children and treats them with dignity, it is easy to accidentally blur the line between respecting kids and asking them to carry decisions they are not ready to hold.
Boundaries often go directly against what kids want. No one wants to leave the park. No one wants to brush their teeth. That is why boundaries often come with big emotions.
Why Boundaries Without Leadership Fall Apart
Let’s go back to the football analogy.
Imagine running a football game without strong leadership.
“It’s halftime. Are you ready to stop playing?”
“Do you want to give the ball back now?”
“I think you stepped out of bounds. Did you?”
That would never work. Not because boundaries do not exist, but because there is no leadership enforcing them.
Now look at the parenting version.
“It’s lunchtime. Are you ready to leave the park?”
“Do you want to clean up?”
“I think it’s time to brush your teeth. Do you?”
This is what boundaries without leadership sound like.
These kinds of statements put kids in the position of having to make decisions that directly conflict with what they want. Then when they inevitably don’t choose what we were hoping they’d choose, we get frustrated and defeated.
We can’t set up the boundary in a way that invites questions, push back, and negotiation and then act surprised when that’s exactly what we get. We can’t set up a boundary where kids have an option we don’t want them to pick and then feel disappointed that the people without fully formed prefrontal cortexes chose to serve their own immediate interests.
That is not bad behavior. That is human behavior from someone whose thinking skills are still developing.
Boundaries vs Choices (And Why Both Matter)
You have probably heard this advice: ask kids questions instead of telling them what to do. Give them autonomy. Let them have a say.
That advice can be wonderful.
The blue cup or the red cup? This shirt or that shirt? Which playground today?
Those are choices. The emphasis here is on the word choices.
If I do not care about the outcome, I can give that decision to my child. I can give them a choice.
But not everything should be a question.
If something falls into the boundary category of parenting, I already know the outcome. I am not asking for input. Boundaries need to be statements.
“It’s time to wash your hands.”
“We are leaving the park.”
“Screen time is not available right now.”
That is very different from asking, “Do you want to wash your hands?” “Are you ready to leave?” or “Do you think you should turn off the TV?”
Washing hands before dinner is a boundary.
Choosing the color of your plate is a choice. Both matter. They just serve different purposes.
Understanding why washing your hands matters – that it prevents the spread of illness and is a family requirement before eating – is information I get to hold for my kids. It’s not the moment to practice independent thinking and hope they choose wisely.
If you already know what has to happen, do not frame it as a question.
Why Holding Boundaries Feels So Hard
Boundaries almost always run counter to what a child wants. So yes, you have to be prepared. Prepared for big emotions. Prepared for push back. Prepared for discomfort.
When boundaries feel hard, many parents assume something has gone wrong. Holding boundaries ends up being far more about parent behavior than child behavior.
Family systems do not just happen. Boundaries are built through intentional words, confident delivery, and consistent follow-through.
This is real parenting work, and it often feels uncomfortable.
How to Practice Holding Boundaries Without Starting a War
Holding boundaries is a skill, not a personality trait. And just like kids, we do not learn new skills in high-pressure moments.
Do not practice a new boundary skill in battle.
Do not practice holding boundaries in moments that are already tough for you, like bedtime or mornings.
Instead, create low-stakes moments where you can practice calmly and consistently. Manufacture situations where you can practice setting and enforcing boundaries.
Below are four different scenarios for practicing boundaries. These are not meant to be tried only once. The goal is to practice and build this boundary-holding skill through many manufactured moments before you start working on big moments in your family.
Practice 1: Saying No
Maybe your hardest boundary is saying no.
Your kids have figured out how many times they need to ask before you cave, and you struggle to hold a firm no once it’s been challenged.
So take your kids to a pet store.
You already know you’re not leaving with a hamster or a bird. That makes this a perfect place to practice saying no.
Front-load the boundary before anyone asks:
“We’re going to look at the animals.
We are not buying a pet today.”
As you walk through the store, practice saying a flat no, and notice how it feels. We’ve been heavily conditioned to avoid that word with kids, but sometimes it’s the clearest word there is.
“No, we’re not getting a pet. We’re here to look at the animals.”
Your kids might be sad.
They might be disappointed.
That doesn’t mean you did it wrong.
This is a chance to practice holding the boundary and holding their emotions, without changing the plan and buying a lizard that will live for 65 years.
Try this process at other stores or events. “We are not buying anything from the museum gift shop.” Give yourself ample chances to practice saying no and sticking to it without asking any questions or giving in.
Practice 2: Holding Boundaries for Yourself
Go to a big box store where you like to shop. Somewhere you and your child wander and often buy little treats, like candles and pillows. For this visit, make it a no-buy, list-only day.
Front-load the boundary again:
“We’re buying only what’s on this list.
Treats and toys aren’t on it.”
If kids are old enough, you can read them the list or have them glance over it.
Here’s the important part:
On this shopping trip, you have to hold the boundary for yourself, too.
No-buy days only work when adults model that boundaries apply to them as well. Boundaries aren’t just something adults put on children or systems children live within. This is universal. This is about showing them what self-control looks like in action and that boundaries exist for all.
Again, this is a manufactured, low-stakes practice moment with a big impact. Continue trying this technique at other stores to work on modeling adults having and holding boundaries along with kids.
Practice 3: Practicing Transitions
In this scenario, you will manufacture a visit to a playground where you don’t have anywhere to be afterward so you can practice holding a transition boundary.
This visit to the park will be a short visit.
Front-load the boundary:
“We have five minutes today. A short park visit. I’m setting my alarm.
When it goes off, you’ll choose one last thing to do, and then we’ll leave.”
Stay close enough that the child can hear the alarm.
When it goes off, say confidently:
“Time is up. Pick your last thing.”
When that last thing is done, you walk to the car.
No renegotiating.
No apologizing for the plan. Move together quickly.
Their feelings are allowed.
Changing the boundary is not. This might mean being firm in this moment.
If negotiating has been part of your family culture, it may take several hard park visits and transitions home to change that routine and end the cycle. Don’t give up.
If it takes many tries to finally have a successful park exit, that doesn’t mean you failed.
It doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t working.
Nothing in parenting is built overnight.
If a child falls off a bike while learning to ride, we don’t throw away the bike and declare failure. We help them try again. You deserve that same grace.
You’re learning a new skill, they’re learning a new system, and it all takes practice.
Practice 4: Practicing Setting and Enforcing Limits
Sensory bins are one of my favorite low-stakes ways to practice holding boundaries, because honestly, nothing motivates me into holding a boundary quite like wanting to prevent rice from being thrown all over my house.
Set up the sensory bin. I like using rice in a storage bin placed on a large beach towel. Simple, contained, and easy to clean.
State the boundaries clearly before play begins:
“No dumping. No throwing. No eating.”
Stay close. This is not a walk-away activity.
If a boundary is crossed, walk over, bend down, and calmly restate the rule. Then use a “when statement” to clearly connect behavior to consequence: “When you throw rice again, the bin will be put away.”
And when it happens again, you follow through calmly. Pick up the bin and move it out of reach. “The rule was no throwing. We’ll try again later for greater success.”
Here’s the key part. You do try again.
Even five minutes later is fine. Bring the bin back out and say:
“Let’s try again. Say the rules with me. No dumping. No throwing. No eating.”
The goal here isn’t perfection. It’s practice.
This is about learning self-control, learning to play within a set of rules, and learning consistency in parenting. It’s also about showing kids that boundaries are real and predictable. When we go outside them, there are consequences. That’s part of life. It’s having a moment to demonstrate that you, as the parent, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Sensory bins give you a low-pressure, low-stakes opportunity to practice holding limits, following through, and trying again. Remember, it is important you keep trying again on this activity as you work on setting and holding boundaries with leadership.
Bringing Boundaries Into the Hard Parts of Your Day
Now comes the part that changes things.
Take this learning into the moments that feel hardest. Mornings. Bedtime. Screen time.
Remember: If something is not working in your family, you are allowed to change it. You are the parent. You are the leader.
You can even let your children know that a change is coming. That might sound like this: “Bedtime hasn’t been working. I haven’t been leading clearly. Starting tonight, we’re doing this differently.”
That is not weakness. That is leadership. And it models for your children that you take ownership of situations in your family. You aren’t passing the buck to them or using them as a scapegoat.
As you build these boundaries, there will be parenting work involved. Things may be tough for our children as they adjust to set routines.
Kids are not asking us to remove discomfort. They are asking us to be strong enough to hold it.
Your child’s job is to test the boundary. Your job is to stay with it anyway. To be calm, clear, and consistent.
You are not doing this to control your children. You are doing this to care for them.
And that leadership, even when it feels uncomfortable, is exactly what your kids are hoping for.
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Sarah says
“Kids are not asking us to remove discomfort. They are asking us to be strong enough to hold it.”
Man, that’s a doozy! This is so clarifying for me in how I was patented and what feels hard for me. Thank you.
Susie says
Glad this hits home for you – hope it can help!
Sanda says
This is awesome!! Thank you! You are so smart and you write so clear. I love your analogies. You really think through and come to core of the problem. Also, your faith in our success and ability to learn is contagious.
Susie says
Thanks Sanda! So glad this resonated with you!