I’m used to the judgement.
I know what I look like buckling up my barely three year old and not even 18 month old. I know how I look reaching and stretching over my clearly third trimester belly. I know what eyes rolling sounds like.
We were post grocery store and getting ready to head home. I was answering 47 toddler questions about snacks, could we watch yet another episode of Paw Patrol (probably), and did we have to wear shoes in the car (I guess not?) when I noticed another Mom watching us intently.
Finally, she started to walk over.
I bristled slightly, knowing what would most likely come next.
The Comments.
But which condescending comment would it be?
“Boy you’ve got your hands full.”
“Was this planned?”
“Having that baby is going to be so much more work. It’s so hard to have 3.”
“Three kids is the worst!”
“Those first few years were a nightmare for us. Good luck, I guess.”
I’ve heard them all and then some, and I usually just smile and nod and get the heck out of there.
What she said stopped me in my tracks.
Instead of spewing judgement or littering me with warnings of bad days to come, this Mom said something I’ve waited 26 weeks to hear.
I wish I would have hugged her.
I wish I would have told her how much what she said meant.
I wish I would have had something eloquent to say back to her but really, I was stunned silent.
She gently touched my shoulder, grinned ear to ear, and had such kindness in her eyes.
And that’s when she said it.
“We had three kids in under four years and it was the best thing ever. You’re going to have so much fun.”
If I wasn’t mid buckle, wedged into the car, belly half smashed, I would have jumped out and hugged her.
Thank you for not judging me.
Thank you for not feeling like I needed a lecture.
Thank you for spreading kind words that are encouraging not terrifying.
Photo: My “two under two” at 4 days old and 20 months old.
I want to pay this good deed forward.
Clearly, I loved having two under two so much, we went for it again. I can’t wait to introduce this baby (our grand finale baby) to his siblings. Our first two are 20 months apart, this new baby and his big sister will also be 20 months apart.
The whole previous pregnancy (when I was embarking on two under two) was full of the same poorly timed, negative comments from others about what a struggle we were about to encounter.
But two under two wasn’t some crazy, insurmountable struggle.
And I loved it.
I loved having two under two.
I love that my kids are so close in age.
This works for me.
An open letter to other Moms on a similar journey.
So, here’s my brief open letter to the pregnant Momma about to enter the world of “two under two”, or the Mom freshly home with a newborn and a toddler in tow, or the Mom wondering if having kids so close together will be ok.
Photo: Our little family with a then three month old and 23 month old.
Dear Mom,
Two under two was a joy.
It was a fun party and a quick ride and I loved it. Loved it enough to get on the ride again.
There will be hard days. But that’s what life is like no matter if your kids are 10 months apart or 10 years apart. This isn’t some exclusive problem for the #twoundertwo hashtag.
There will be magical days when you can’t imagine life without or before these beautiful babies.
There will be hectic, trying, amazing, wonderful, crazy, insane, and lovely days, but again – that’s not a two under two thing. That’s a “having kids” thing.
And then there will be a moment when it will become normal again, the routine will return, and you’ll be the Mom effortlessly juggling two kids in the Target parking lot without breaking a sweat.
And maybe you’ll see a pregnant Mom holding a toddler’s hand, staring at you in awe.
I hope that you’ll lift her up and set her in a good place. Tell her she’s going to be fine. That it’s going to be great. That it’s going to be the best ride of her life.
Spread encouragement.
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Kristen says
Thank you for this! I was 30 when I met and married my husband, and we knew we didn’t want to put off our family, but I was also a bit nervous about people judging us. I’ve since learned that judgers will judge for one reason or another no matter what you do.
We are currently expecting our second little boy, and when he comes our first will be about 20 months old. The logistics are… interesting…to figure out, but I love being a mommy!
(P.S. My younger sister came home from the hospital a day or two before my second birthday. Not exactly two under two, but speaking as someone from a close age gap, even though we didn’t always get along we had a very special bond growing up.)
Sarah says
Thank you for this! I know it’s been almost 2 years since you wrote this but it was what I needed to read today. My husband and I just found out we are pregnant and my son is only 6 months old. I want to put on the face that I don’t care what people think but in fact I am so sensitive to what people will say, especially certain family members. I know that it’s not my responsibility to manage anyone else’s emotions except my own but in those moments of rude comments, it’s so difficult. I don’t know why people ever think it’s ok to ask if a pregnancy was planned?! Even if it’s the first thought in someone’s mind, why can’t people practice self control? Anyways! Thank you for this. Appreciate it so much.
Laura says
I love this! We purposely TRIED for Irish twins (and believe me, it was work trying month after month after just pushing a baby out of “down there” only 12 weeks prior. We were told it wasn’t healthy for my body. We were given skeptical looks. And we get murmurs of surprise every time I state we did it on purpose. Our boys will be 14-15 months apart (no. 2 is due any week now and no. 1 turns 14 months tomorrow. And I am SO EXCITED! I know it will be hard but a wonderful kind of hard. I loved “almost” every moment of my firstborns first year and I can’t wait to experience it again <3
Debbie says
Thank you so much for this! We have a 9 month old and just found out I’m pregnant again. We also have 2 teenagers :0 The teens are only 11months apart but we are a blended family, so when I started raising both they were both mostly toddlers and I still “got weekends off” when they visited their other parents.
So I am freaking out. I am excited for the baby to have a buddy close in age, but panicked because parenting is sooo hard…I don’t know how I can do two babies. And the 9 month old is still up every 1-2 hours all.night.long.
I am seriously panicking and all the articles are “how to survive 2 under 2” I know I can survive….I want to hear this is going to be awesome and my kids are going to be best buddies and it’s amazing and beautiful, and hard and exhausting, but mostly awesome.
So thank you for paying it forward and I hope I can sponsored enough.
busytoddler says
It is going to be awesome Debbie! These two will have each other always and their friendship will be everything. I’m so happy for you!! Best of luck!
Kestra says
My son was just shy of 1 when my daughter was born, and I received a lot of negative comments, especially when out doing the food shopping! Now 16 months and 28 months they are the best of friends and wouldn’t of done it any other way! Currently pregnant with my third who will be born in April, so I’m going for the 3 under 3!
busytoddler says
I love that you are pregnant with number 3 – way to go! That is so cool that they are almost one year apart. Mine are all 20 months apart and it is such a joy. Now the baby is 5 months old and I can’t wait for him to join the party!
Sar says
This is lovely! I had my first 2 with a 20 month gap and then 15 months between 2 and 3. I had three under 3 for a while so had many looks and comments whenever I went anywhere! They are all great friends and play so well, I love the close age gaps (current have a 4,5 and 6 year old!).
busytoddler says
Isn’t having them close the best?! I can’t wait until mine are the ages yours are. What fun they will be having!
Carol says
My friend directed me to your Instagram account and blog and I’m SOOO glad I saw this post. My first two girls are 21 months apart and I am pregnant with my 3rd (he or she will be 22 months from my youngest). I was excited to be pregnant but when I told one of my (close) friends they immediately said “are you CRAZY”?! Pretty hurtful considering I was so excited to complete our family. I love having my girls so close in age!! People sometimes think they are twins! Anyways thank you so much for the post. I will definitely pay it forward! Also thank you for your awesome ideas on your Instagram account. The activities saved me last summer.
Lorna says
Yes to this! Mine are 16 months apart. And it was hard going at the start. I had 2 babies. I had two that were walking in different directions by my daughters second birthday party. But I would do it all over again in heart beat (I’m not going to though…) My kids are BEST friends. They are now, 17 months on, capable of playing together without me for spells, the have never been jealous of one another because for as long as both of them remember, the other has been right there. They will only be a year apart in school so they’ll be going through so many things together. And having two toddlers is the absolute best. I could not recommend it more. I frequently DO recommend it- I’ll tell anyone who asks, having them close together is physically demanding, but the most fun you can have.
Shamim says
I’m currently pregnant with my second daughter and my firstborn will be 19 months old when she becomes a big sister. I’ve gotten MANY MANY negative comments and I must say the one that always hurts is when people ask, “OMG! Was this planned?” Makes me just want to walk away without an answer but I keep cool and laugh as I reply, “Yes. We wanted our first two to be close in age.” Reality is I love being a Mom and my daughter loves babies and playing with other kids. So why not?
I wanted to thank you for this and writing such because and positive things about two under two. All you get is the negative and I feel like there is so much positive we can focus on and that’s exactly what you have done. Thank you!
Ashley says
I have an 18 month old with #2 due in end of October. I have already been getting comments about this so thank you!
Chelsea @ Life With My Littles says
I love this so much! Because it’s so true! Our two are 18-months apart and sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy, but I really do love it so much! Thanks for reminding us what is important is how you feel. Don’t worry about other people judging you!
Laura Peles says
Thank you for this Susie! My two are 20 months apart as well, currently 2 1/2 & 10 months. Similarly, I got so many comments while pregnant and still can’t go through the grocery store without at least one person saying, “You’ve got your hands full!” I usually just give a big grin (because I LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies and LOVE LOVE LOVE raising them!) and a polite “Yes” as I walk away. These stupid comments don’t bother me, but I’m going to start responding with: “Better than having my hands empty!” just for fun ? Raising children is a gift and a challenge no matter how many kids you have, how far apart they are, or how old they are. Thanks for the reminder to encourage other women in their journey!
PS – Love your blog, Instagram and Pinterest pages! Thank you for all of your ideas and positivity!
Vanessa says
Thank you sooooooooooo much for paying it forward. It’s amazing how judgemental people can get, even more so family and close friends.. I’m 23 weeks pregnant and I have a 15 months old, could not be more between work, not sleeping baby, summer, and this belly… But I love every minute of it… I’m not sure if I’ll do it again so I’m trying to enjoy every second like is the last one. A friend told me once: “I remember thinking I couldn’t go any further, and now I look back and it represents such a small fraction of my life, and one that I miss so much”. It got stuck with me forever… I will kiss my baby, sleep with her, hug her, hold her for as long as I’m able to.. It is true… It’s such a small fraction or our life
Mallory dobine says
I love this post. It has really lifted my spirt and reconfirms that I want to try for another before my second is 2. My boys are 27 months apart, everyone gave their advice on what would happen or that I was crazy. While I will admit on the days when no ones wants to listen to me I am discouraged, but I am so thankful for them in general. I would much rather get all of the hard parts over in a short period of time than waiting and starting over again with each coming child.
I wish you all happiness with your new addition and can’t wait to see more wonderful and encouraging activities and stories.
Thank you for helping helping make the repetitive days more special with your creative projects! @theveganmama
Nicole says
Tears streaming b/c the Lord knew I needed this today. Thank you! I have a 2 (and 2 mo) year old and a baby due in a week. Yes, I’m terrified but also SO excited and wanted to thank you for your posts and positive comments!!! We’ve got this, mamas!!
Tara Peterson says
Thank you for this. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a brand new 1 year old. I got so many rude comments when we announced we were pregnant with #2 when #1 was just a year old. Like, “you know how that happens right?!” “Wow, you’re gonna be so busy and so tired!” My mom even keeps insisting I wait for #3 until my oldest is 5 and even then, she keeps jabbing at me about having a third. Who else’s business is it that my kids are close together? No ones. I’m the one home all day with them, I’m the one breastfeeding in the middle of the night. I’m the one being pregnant while chasing my toddler around -and because I CHOOSE to be. I like that my kids are close together and will grow up always having each other. They’ll run in the same social circle, sports teams and teachers. Why not get all the diapers and bottles out of the way instead of starting all over again? Either way, like you said parenting is hard no matter how old your kids are. I feel blessed to even have babies when so many struggle so no matter how close they are in age, I’m going to enjoy it and excuse my blunt-ness but middle finger to anyone who judges or questions our decisions. ? Thank you for this post!
busytoddler says
Tara – thank YOU for your comment! It is spot on and I am so thankful that you took the time to comment. You have that third baby when you decide too – I’m so excited to have two under two (and a 3 year old!) this time around!!