The rise of social media has changed much of the parenting landscape, and this is especially noticeable with birthday parties for kids. In this article, you’ll find a plea to return birthday parties to their former simplicity, information on how to host an at-home birthday party, and a thorough FAQs about kid parties. Let’s turn back the clock on birthdays.
What happened to birthday parties for kids?
I believe birthday parties for kids has been one of the great casualties of the Social Media Parenting Era. What used to be as simple as inviting a few friends over for games and cake is now a Keeping Up with the Jones’ moment of trying to equal someone else’s standard or outdo another.
Where simple parties with minimal decor used to reign supreme instead elaborate, crafty, Pinterest-fueled, “will look so good in pictures,” parties have taken over. I apologize for being so frank here, but the pressure of families to overextend themselves for a birthday party is real.
It sometimes feels like it takes the fun out of planning a child’s party and replaces it with a pressure that other parenting generations didn’t have to face.
These “postable” parties take attention, time, and money and put parents on full display. It’s normal to see giant, intricate parties on social media feeds. So normal we’ve come to think it’s the only way for a party to look.
But just because something has been normalized doesn’t mean it’s always the right call, best call, or a must-do for every family.
Disclaimer: If you love a giant party, can afford them, and truly enjoy it for your children: AWESOME! I’m so happy for you. But if giant parties and big budgets aren’t working for your family, I hope this post helps.
Let’s put a magnifying glass on birthday parties
The part that gets lost in all the feed posts showing glamorous birthdays is cost.
There’s a time cost: parents spending hours they may or may not have to curate and craft a themed event.
And there’s a monetary cost: I’ll break this down for my family in the Seattle area.
A large party at a play space would cost well over $500. No joke: the bouncy place is $455 to rent on the weekends… and that’s without any food costs. Here’s the math: I have 3 kids so that would be $1,500 a year on birthdays, minimum. By the time my kids each reach ten years old, I could easily have spent $15,000 on birthday parties.
This doesn’t work for me.
Again, if it works for you – fantastic! My kids love going to bouncy place birthdays. Feel free to invite us.
There is nothing wrong with a giant birthday party, but there is something wrong with feeling we have to do this every single year.
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My plug for simple birthday parties for kids
There is something so beautiful about the intimacy of a home party. Your home doesn’t need to be fancy, large, or lavish. Home is home. Children love to show off their space.
Invite a few kids over. You do not need to invite the entire class (I’ll dive into this more in the FAQ section). My Mom said that when she was parenting in the 1980s and 1990s, the rule of thumb was to invite the same number of kids for their age.
Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with these giant Pinterest-worthy parties, but we have got to change the narrative from those being the norm and expectation back to those being rare and exceptions.
The party is about the child, not the place, the decorations, the food, the guest list, or the expense.
It’s about the child.
All our kids want on their birthday is to feel loved and celebrated, and that can happen no matter how big or small the party is.
A walk through of my daughter’s 5th birthday
I’m a visual learner so I’ll walk you through my daughter’s old school 5th birthday. Think 1990s style. A few friends, some easy decor, endless free play, and cupcakes.
Theme: Pajamas and Pancakes
Time: 9:30 am to 11:30 am
Location: Out house
We made breakfast for our wee guests and all the kids came in pajamas. A morning party is great for my daughter who gets very nervous for events. Early morning meant she didn’t have much time to stew on things.
The Guest List:
We had 10 kids at the party: 6 from preschool, 1 neighbor best friend, 2 brothers, and 1 birthday girl.
We do not invite our extended family to birthdays. We did for each child’s first and from then on, it was about the child, their birthday, and their friends. It’s helped to simply things.
We also stated on the invite that parents were free to stay or drop off. All parents dropped off, except for one (whose child was only 3.5 years old). We had a 10:3 kid to parent ratio and it was great.
Here’s a quick look at the set up
This wasn’t an elaborate set-up and yet, the pictures are still adorable for social media (wink).
Activities:
My daughter, whose Mom runs Busy Toddler, wanted Rainbow Rice at her party. Sold. We made up a few extra bins for the guests to play with to go along with the bin that we pretty much always have sitting out.
Here are the quick and easy directions for Rainbow Rice.
Favors:
Normally, I don’t do favors. It’s not my style to give out candy and tiny toys, and party favors expensive. I didn’t even do favors at my wedding. BUT, my daughter wondered if each kid could make a jar of rainbow rice to take home.
The idea was too cute, too sweet, and frankly, too on brand to pass up. Sold.
During the party, I pulled each kid aside and helped them put together their own, personalized jar. It was also a fun way for me to meet each child since I only ever saw them at preschool drop off.
Food:
Going with the pancake theme, we made up mini homemade pancakes for the guests, scrambled eggs, and a fruit salad. We also had juice boxes because we are fancy like that. I kept the eggs warm in the oven and my husband made the pancakes in record time.
Later we had cupcakes and sang to our new 5-year-old and here’s my favorite tip: Make mini cupcakes. One recipe (I always use this one) will make 72 mini cupcakes. I let each kid have two and I looked like a hero.
What did the kids do?
Play. They played. We opened the house to free play and our little birthday girl bloomed. What a gorgeous moment for her to share her toys, house, and life with her friends.
A breakdown of the timeline:
9:30-10:15 The kids played for about 45 minutes throughout the house.
10:15 – 10:30 Breakfast
10:30 – 10:45 More playing
10:45 – 11:15 Cupcakes and opening presents
11:15 – 11:30 (Guess what?) More playing until pick up
It went by FAST!!!
A breakdown of the cost:
A few notes: My MIL sends up $20 for each kid’s birthday party because that’s her way of helping out and being a part of the fun. We always use that money for decorations.
I absolutely could have skipped the rainbow rice party favors and if I had, this party would have cost under $50. The rainbow rice was a complete extra, add-on and was more a fun thing to do because I own a website that’s basically dedicated to rainbow rice.
The bottom line about birthday parties
Make the best decision for your family, but don’t for a moment think that a simple birthday party with a few friends and some store-bought decorations isn’t enough.
Don’t let that be a take-away from social media.
If your family loves doing an over-the-top party and it fills your bucket, fantastic. Have the most magical time creating those events.
If your family would prefer to do something small but you’ve been led to believe large parties are the only way, please remember this post.
And remember who the party is about. Remember your budget, your family, your needs. You’ll make the best choice for your crew, I’m confident of that.
The birthday party for kids FAQ
On the e-vite, I wrote “Drop off or stay – depending on what is best for your child.” Since I didn’t have a ton of space for extra guests or siblings, I wanted to let parents know that this could be an independent event for their child if that works for them.
Extended family adds a lot of guests and for us, this made it harder to focus on the birthday child and their friends (who are the stars of the show). We set a boundary with our family that birthday parties would be for kids and their friends only.
We did invite all extended family to the first birthday party, then made this boundary before our oldest turned 2.
My parents live in town so they typically come over for birthday dinner on the night of the child’s actual birthday.
Cousins: We do not invite cousins to parties either. We think of it as “world’s colliding.” We try to stick with one group of friends (all the neighbor kids or school friends, for example) so it’s a harmonious group of kids who know each other.
On behalf of all teachers everywhere, please do not pass out invites at school UNLESS you are doing a birthday party with the entire class. As a teacher, I was always happy to help give out emails/contact information (with permission) for small parties.
Absolutely not.
I say this with all the love in my heart: you do not need to invite the whole class of kids (unless for some reason there is a school rule about this or you truly want to/can afford to). Most school have rules about invitations at school (see above), but not typically about the actual party.
Even ten years ago, when I was a teacher, I would only have 1-2 kids per year host a full class party. The rest had small parties with a few kids. Those kids got to learn about tact and social decency to not talk about it at school or make a big deal about it. These are necessary life skills.
It is totally up to you, your family, and your cultural norms if there are gifts or no gifts.
I, personally, like the idea of gifts (in theory) because I like making my kids have to think thoughtfully about that person, what they like, and what would be good. I also like that the gift-opener has to have great social skills as they open and are excited/gracious.
There’s a lot of lessons in social skills and manners rolled into one little present.
I do understand that obviously when you invite 30 people, that’s an overwhelming amount of gifts. But when it’s a small party, it’s a very powerful learning opportunity.
Especially for a small party, this is a 10/10, 100% yes from me. I’m big into kids having this chance.
I love letting my kids open gifts at the party. It’s so beautiful to watch the gift giver’s excited face and having a chance for the birthday child to practice being gift-receiver.
I love this moment at a party. It’s such significant learning for all kids involved.
There is always a concern about inequities in gifts between what families can afford. As a parenting team, let’s all resolve to keep things small ($10-15 is more than enough). Just like with parties, lavish gifts are not necessary
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Lisa Tullis says
I absolutely love this post. As a grandparent of 5, I’ve seen the stress kids’ birthday parties have become – and the expense. Your ideas and philosophies are so grounded and refreshing. It makes me want to be the one to plan and host the next birthday!
Stephanie says
Can you share how you teach your children to be good gift receivers? What if they obviously show that they are not pleased with their gift?
Sky Zone says
I completely agree with you that all these things are vital when it comes to birthday party preparations, such as food, favors, activities, budget, and activities. Thank you for such an awesome writing!
David Rozman says
Helpful and Informative blog. Thanks for sharing these information with us.
Amy says
I’ve always believed similarly to you about kids’ birthday parties. And it has always gone well. When I give my birthday child an active role in helping plan for their ideal day, it always turns out to be so much simpler than I had come up with on my own. Less is more. Less is more… grateful children too!
SadieSay Walker says
We have done a simple but fun big back yard party the last three years. Think low budget inter-generational rager. My husband is a professional brewer so it’s kids and kegs and music and kid zone and adults sittervising. So far it’s been great, we’lol see once school starts, but with a midsummer birthday, half the guest list is out of town- so it’s kind of random and fun whoever shows up.
Joanna says
Thank you for this!! I’ve been following you for years but I’m now at the point where I NEEDED to read this post. It is exactly how I feel & I’m glad it’s validated. My daughter (turning 7 in March) & son (turning 6 in Feb) will be having their 1st friends parties in a few weeks. I’m also a 90s bday kid and plan on doing the same for my kids, simple & at home. 🥳
Jennie says
Love this! Especially appreciate the part about not having to invite the whole class, it’s my sons first birthday in preschool this year and have been debating this.
Growing up we did every other year birthday at home with lots of friends and then birthday out with 1 or 2 friends, always loved both!
Elena says
I just loved how your daughter came up with the rainbow rice jar idea. It was really so sweet and sounds like an engaging game for kids. I am gonna tell my niece about it and gain some points lol.
Shannon says
Great tips! I’ve been feeling pressured to do something big and expensive because that’s what’s been happening for all my kid’s friends, but I’d prefer a simple at home party.
Do you have any tips for doing a double birthday party? My daughter and son are two years apart almost to the day, so most of their friends are shared and I don’t have it in me to do two parties that close together.
Iris Smith says
I love the idea that the kid may prepare a jar of rainbow rice to take home. My daughter’s birthday is coming up, and I’m looking for creative ideas to make her celebration enjoyable. Your concept truly caught my attention. Definitely, I would look for birthday party planners to help me with this concept.
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Aliahmed12 says
I love a simple party at home for children
Katie says
We are planning our son’s 3rd birthday party and have been debating what food to serve. PANCAKES! Why didn’t I think of this sooner? It’s only what he asks to eat for literally every single meal! I am so glad I saw this post for many reasons, but mainly because I have never thought of pancakes as a party food before.
Emily Barrera says
How do I get my husband on board for this. He wants to invite his whole family. We are Hispanic so to leave aunts and uncle out is like the worst thing in the world. Im all about small parties… but his theory is bigger is better. We have invited almost 60 people to our 3 year olds party this year and I’m not happy about that.
Anna says
Hi! In my family we have two “parties” one day for the family, and one kid birthday party only for the friends of the child.
The damily party is basically the kids dressing up in party clothes, receiving presents from family & blowing out the cake. Sometimes we have food like a bbq, other times it’s just coffe and pastries.
The kid party is like above, a home party with a few friends.
I don’t have my own kids (but attend a lot of parties working as a nanny) and by far enjoy the drop of kids and just a few friends at home party when helping to host for my work families. I enjoy the intimacy and how excited the children are to show off their home and toys.
Abby S says
Try having a good conversation about boundaries and what you want! Make sure to note things like, we will see all of them very soon at such and such holiday. Or things like, we don’t have to throw a huge celebration every year. It’s about balance and comprises.
Perrin Melaniphy says
Being a hostess and the amount of money spent on parties does not spark joy for me! So what we are planning on doing, and what my family did growing up is “even years only!” So my daughter got a first birthday party (virtual, because Covid) and a second party at our favorite park, and now we will do parties at 4,6,8,10 and then milestones 13,16,18,21. On the off years, when she is old enough, she can have a few friends for a sleepover, go to the movies, take for manicures, or whatever is her interest at the time. I remember being 11 and taking my 2 best friends to a baseball game and then having a tea party, and I loved it!
Jamie says
I’ve been feeling this so much with my kids, and have gone with my gut feeling and kept parties small and simple, and afterwards every now and then I find myself wondering if I should be doing more DESPITE “best party ever” reviews from my birthday kids. Thank you for another awesome article.
Sara says
I agree with so much of this! We have always done home parties for our kids. My kids both have December birthdays so we do one combined party in early January. We do invite family and then each kids invites a couple friends too. It works out to about 20 people total or so. All of our family does parties at home too for my nieces and nephews so it works out well that it’s the norm for our family.
I do like picking a theme and finding fun decor to match (often from dollar tree or Amazon for cheap, sometimes even from Facebook marketplace) but it’s still wayyyyy cheaper than having parties at the trampoline places that are popular in our area.
Sara says
Love this post! I have a hard time finding any gift for under $20. Do you have any go suggestions for gifts?
busytoddler says
Yes!! Our favorites are: stomp rockets, board games (like Outfoxed or The Fairy Game), fresh art supplies, Lakeshore’s Carry Around Animal Town or Robot Town, Lakeshore’s Number Bots, Kinetic sand, caution tape (no joke, best gift)
Julia D says
Personally, The silver lining of the pandemic has certainly been scaled back children’s parties. They are just so wholesome! Even if they are large parties, the simplicity of the activities and the joy and nostalgia makes it better. Sledding, bonfires, a movie, a scavenger hunt, bike rides and bubbles, even for 8/9 year olds it’s been fun.
I make mini cupcakes and under-fill the liners. This leaves plenty of room for extra frosting. I notice preschoolers just eat the frosting plus a bite of cake so may as well just make them a cupcake shot!
Also, don’t be afraid of untraditional party times. Sundays 4-6, Friday evening pajama party, or the breakfast party will make sure people attend without feeling they lost a major chunk of weekend.
Thanks for walking us through your party, Susie!! Gives us confidence that less is more.
Crystal says
This is great to read to remember in the future. My daughter is 3, so aside from two non relative friends, her cousins are her friends. We see them regularly. I don’t know if we’ll always do it this way, but right now, her birthday party is a mix of family and friends and that’s what works for us.
But she’s a summer baby, so the party is literally everyone in the backyard, playing various games. Simple and fun!